don't you find life extremely scary? i do.
i'm scared by the fact that i know that i don't have a single ounce of control over my own life. i'm supposed to be the one living it, i mean, i'm the one controlling my body and mind, right?
but that ain't exactly the way it's working. i can feel that. i feel the fact that i'm powerless in every inch of my body; the only thing i can control - completely theoretically of course - is my mind. but my mind has a tendency to wander off when i'm not controlling it so you can safely say that i can't entirely control my own mind.
see, i can't even control my own thoughts.
so how am i supposed to control my life? maybe, if i'd be living somewhere in the woods as a hermit, without any kind of interaction with other people.
because that's what makes you loose control of you own life, you know. the fact that you interact with other people.
you leave your home. your home's an asylum where you can do whatever you want, pretty much. i know i do. i do the things i like doing when i'm at home. i smoke cigarettes, prance around in my underwear and talk to myself. but anyhow.
you leave your sanctuary and go out on the streets where people are driving cars (you will never tell a reckless driver from a law-abiding one until the reckless driver runs you over), walking the side walks..
let's say that you want to take the bus downtown. here's where you completely loose control over your life.
the minute you take a bus/subway/train, you give your entire life to the person that's driving the vehicle. that person holds your life in his/her hands. it's up to him/her to make sure that you survive the ride and make it off safely.

that's the end of part one.
sometimes, i just write stupid things i haven't even thought through entirely. my mind wanders and lets my fingers dance over my keyboard, writing sentences i don't know and don't understand. that's how much control i have over myself.